Leg 9 (Kazakhstan → Russia)
* Flight: Almaty (Almaty International Airport) to Moscow, Russia Flag of Russia (Sheremetyevo International Airport)
* Moscow (Krutitsy)
* Moscow (Kolosok Camp) >Detour (Boots or Borscht)<
* Zhukovsky (Zhukovsky Bakery) >Roadblock (Who has a strong back?)<
* Moscow (Neskuchniy Garden) >Pit Stop (Leg 9)<
In this leg's Detour, teams had to choose between Boots or Borscht. In both Detour tasks teams had to dress in Russian military uniform. In Boots, teams had to learn a Russian marching routine and perform the routine perfectly along with a drill team to receive their next clue. In Borscht, teams had to serve 75 soldiers a bowl of borscht each to receive their next clue. In this leg's Roadblock, teams had to carry 50 bags of flour into the bakery and lay them down on the floor to receive their next clue from the baker.
* At the Krutitsy Monastery, teams had to light a candle before they could receive their next clue.
The Russian Soldiers Are Laughing At Me
Greetings my loyal minions, Maxx Fisher here.
Have you ever seen anyone perform a task and they do it so ass backwards that you have to wonder if they aren’t just a bit mentally impaired? It was explained to them, step by step. ABC. But for some reason they just can’t follow it. That happened on more than one instance tonight. First Russian cab drivers are expensive and they can’t find a destination with a map, a GPS and giant neon sign. And Dan couldn’t march & chew gum at the same time, even if you took the gum away, but more on that later.
We learned at the opening of the episode that airports at night in Kazakhstan are good for 2 things, buying shoes and going on romantic walks. I don’t know if any of you remember the cow challenge from last week, Andrew & Dan inexplicably left their shoes behind on that challenge. All they had to wear this week were slippers they stole from the hotel, this would not be their last incident of thievery tonight. Once they got to the airport, there was an all night shoe store. Dan did not want to buy the shoes because they were too expensive. Do you know what would be more expensive? The foot surgery they’d need after walking around Russia with no shoes. They do break down and get the shoes and then proceed to throw away the slippers. Not bright. It’s not like they might not be needed later. The burgeoning romance between Dallas & Starr seemed to heat up as they took a romantic walk through the fluorescent lit passages of the airport. How sweet. Nick seemed to approve of the relationship and he thought Dallas could hold his own against his sister.
Once in Russia the ever first task was going to a monastery and lighting a candle. This was one of those first off challenges that isn’t any sort of challenge that TAR is known for. What it did was illustrate that cabs in Russia might be the most expensive mode of transportation in the world. Once the teams lit the candle they had to make their way to Kolosok Camp, a retired military base to perform a Detour:
Boots: dress correctly in military garb, including a traditional Russian foot wrap, then learn a Russian march and make 1 lap around the parade grounds.
Borscht: Once again dress in Russian military and then serve Borscht to 75 soldiers.
Toni & Dallas were the first ones to get to the base, shocking I know. Where were Nick & Starr? They were lost. Their cab driver had no idea where he was going. Hell he asked them to call someone they knew to translate cause he didn’t understand English. I don’t know how they were going to perform this task because he said it in Russian. It was like a vicious idiotic circle. But getting back to mother & son, they performed the task briskly & were in and out of there. By the time they were through, Ken & Tina and Dandrew had all arrived and chose to do Boots too. Ken & Tina were in and out with no problems. Dan & Andrew, not so much.
Andrew could not get the foot wrap down. Dan couldn’t either but for some reason didn’t really care and he just proceeded anyway. While they were doing this Nick & Starr Arrived and then passed them. The boys were taking forever and decided to switch to Borscht, which only made sense if you didn’t actually read the Detour instructions. So they stripped off their uniforms and went to serve the troops. Once they got their, Andrew realized they had to wear the uniforms here too. So they dress up correctly this time and decided to do Boots. I really don’t know how to describe what I saw next, I mean the only word that comes to mind is…Epic.
So the bloodbath started with the boys attempting to walk. That’s right walk. That is what marching is, walking in time. Granted the Russian style of Marching is different than that of a marching band, which Andrew has been a part of for 6 years, but it’s still just walking in time. Andrew pretty much got it, but Dan. Oh good Lord I don’t even know how to describe what Dan was doing. He was just a spastic mess. The only thing that comes to mind is this:
Dan couldn’t even get his left & his right correct. Judging by the reactions of the Russian soldiers on the scene, this was the funniest thing they’d seen since “Spies Like Us”. Because Dan couldn’t put one foot in front of another, they switched AGAIN and moved to Borscht and they were finally able to complete a task. I think Russia was still under communist rule when they started this Detour.
With this task complete the team’s next destination was the Zhukovsky bakery for a Roadblock. It was cute to see Toni correct her son when he completely walked past the clue box. Well the Roadblock required one of the racers to carry Fifty, 50 lbs bags of flour into the bakery and stack them neatly. Obviously Toni did the task because Dallas is a lightweight. Just kidding. I have a crazy sense of humor. This Roadblock was custom made for Dallas. He was carrying 2 bags at a time, no matter how much Momma Toni asked him to take it easy and just do one at a time. When Dallas brought in the bags he just plopped them on the ground and he was quickly chastised by the baker to do it right and do it neatly and look at his instructions. She has now surpassed the Indian Tailor for the title of the greatest non-player this game has seen. I think she used to be a Bond villain with that icy attitude she was dishing out. Ken & Tina showed up while Dallas was still lugging the flour and I have to tell you, for being about 20 years older than Dallas, Ken did a great job. I think Dallas only finished about 8 bags ahead of Ken. By the way Nick & Starr are lost again.
Dallas completes the challenge and they get the clue to make their way to the next Pit Stop at the Fun Garden, whose Russian name I don’t remember. Once Ken finishes his task and gets the clue he gives the baker a kiss and at that moment her heart grew three sizes. Nick & Starr finally arrive and Nick does the task and honestly before he said he was going to do it, I wasn’t sure which of the 2 would have carried the bags. Because their driver sucked so bad, they sent him on his way. The baker did not have the highest opinion of Nick, her assessment was that “He’s Not Fit”. I guess nick agreed because in comparison he said that Dallas could probably palm those bags. At hearing this Starr got a dreamy far away look in her eyes. Just as Nick was finishing up Dandrew shows up and Dan does the challenge to make up for his marching short-comings. Dan is able to do this because it doesn’t involve “art & culture” the way marching does. You know marching equals ballet.
Because their luck was consistent, Nick & Starr could not find a cab to get to the pit stop. They walked and walked, asked for directions and walked some more. In fact they walked so much, they walked right past a cab. While they searched for transportation, we learned from Andrew that he thinks Dan is a total stud. I’m very curios about what goes on at the keggers their fraternity throws. The boys finish their task and Nick & Starr get a cab, but it is once again a horrible experience. Dan & Andrew are having a great time, but their cab driver is about to experience something horrible. The editors really, really try to build the suspense about who is going to come in last, but please don’t be fooled.
Toni & Dallas finished first winning a trip for 2 to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. They are followed by Ken & Tina and then Nick & Starr. That means Dan & Andrew were last. I think I can break down why they were so far behind, they were stiffing their cab driver. In the cab, during the ride, the boys knew they didn’t have enough money to pay for the trip. Apparently that didn’t matter cause they really wanted to get where they were going. Once the cab pulls over the driver wants his money and the guys short change him. He understandably is not happy about this. The guys are sitting on the curb for some reason, trying to get the driver to take what money they have. He wants the money he’s owed, not the money they have. They try to show that they don’t have any other money and Dan even tries to give him the new shoes he bout, saying that he can sell them for 100 American Dollars. Is there some sort of black market shoe racket in Russia? The driver tells them to go to hell with his eyes and takes the money that they are offering. If a Russian cab driver starts murdering American tourists, we’ll know who to blame for it.
Dan & Andrew finally drag their cheating asses to the Pit Stop and that is when Phil gets to have his fun. He tells them that they have come in last and he’s sorry to tell them…that this is a non-elimination and that they are still in the race. I don’t think Phil likes Dandrew and I know I don’t. I leave you with this, my cinnamon Bobkas, is there any chance that Dan & Andrew can pull this out? I mean if you watched the previews you saw that Dan had to do some dancing in one of next week’s challenges. Strangely his dancing looks just like marching.